Judgement. And Panic.

A friend of mine remarked on facebook that no sooner had she returned from vacation did she get stuck in the emergency room for three days, whereupon I responded with the appropriate concern for her condition.  This is what she replied:

"Panic is not in the context of my work, kisses."

I chuckled with Mr. Welcome over that one because it was he who taught her how to use google translate so she could communicate with a Brazilian guy she met where English was their only common language (except she didn't speak it).  Since then we've gotten some funny news from her on facebook.  What she was probably trying to say was "don't worry - it's not for me, but for work (she's a nurse's aid), and then bisous," which are the french kisses, one on each cheek.  Except that she's a young chick who writes in textspeak, and google translate was probably even more bemused than usual.

I have been feeling myself under the subject of unfair scrutiny lately.  Of course it's my own fault for putting it out there on my blog - I mean, you get judged if you walk out of your home into public, but how much more when you call attention to yourself.  But even in my own life I've been getting some comments that seem unfair, a summary judgement of who I am and what I'm about based on a few encounters.

I should clarify that I'm not talking about you my friends or bloggy buddies, but rather people I barely know or people who read my blog (or read me on a forum) for the first time. It appears that I am suffering from post-partum depression (Peanut is almost two), care too much what people think about me and suffer from lack of time management.  While I can take it with a certain amount of good nature, I think I'm suffering as much from the grains of truth as I am from the summary assessment of my situation and my nature without having walked in my shoes (or read more than one post).

I am certainly open to critique.  My sister-in-law's pronouncement that I absolutely should not look for a full-time job without first getting my life in order (seeing a psychologist and getting off the medication I've been on for the 15 years since my car accident, losing weight, getting my driver's license) was taken very seriously, even though I berated her for, what felt like a low blow to pounce on me before I finished my breakfast.  She apologized, I decided to take her advice, I love my sister-in-law, and all is well.

It does bug me that my posts have been curtained with grey shadows, and I agree wholeheartedly that I care too much about what people think in terms of weight and my appearance (I'm also a girl), but this is only a moment in the life of.  In truth my life is characterized by hardship and growth, but also by serenity; by trying to find myself and by knowing exactly who I am; by a longing for something more to justify my existence and by being satisfied that I bring to the world exactly what it needs in my infinitesimal way.

There is a proverb that says, "The purposes of a man's heart is deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out."  There is no understanding in curing the ill before really listening.

Of course I'm afraid that my half-humor and half-chagrin about this will not show through this post and it will seem like another proof of my caring too much what people think.  But it's been a tough year living in a construction site with young children and full-time care for a baby, living in a culture that is not my own, holding down the fort while my husband works and travels a lot, and stepping cautiously around the strange men in my home while still trying to keep some order, some healthy food on the table.  Even something as simple as driving is a major challenge here, having failed the test twice after over 3000€ and 80 practical hours spent (I even have a NY driving license so it's not for lack of skill).  It's a moment in the life of, but it's not all there is to me.

My husband thinks I'm brave for facing the challenges squarely and loves me as much for my foibles as for my strengths.  He knew me when I was at my "best" in the face of the world but doesn't necessarily think any less of me now.  He is in my moment.

Last night as I was coming down the stairs with him after having successfully arranged my kitchen, I started to list all the other projects I considered urgent that we needed to attend to (panic rising in my voice with the addition of each task).  He stopped me, held his hand up and said,

"Panic is not in the context of my work, kisses." 


Now there's someone who won't judge.